TechMaster - TJ Holman


     

Hate Hate Hate

Worth The Wait



Disclaimer: The following TR has almost nothing to do with cards, tech or the current VS meta. The following report is about the adventures PTD, their affialiates, and a few friends that went to PCLA to go for that 40K. The statements you are about to read are based upon eye witness fact, though the names and faces may be changed. You can be assured all events are fact based re-creations. Eh, fuck that, the writer of this piece is a VS Hater and doesnít give a fuck. So no names will be changed, no individual will be protected and no story will go untold. Final warning; the following TR is not for the easily offended, and read it with a sense of humor.

Enter internet tough guy mode.


Cali...Iíve been all over the U.S. and this state is most defintly my favorite. Awesome weather, laid back people and easy access to illicit activties... who could ask for more? I couldnít wait to get out of philly. Iíd had enough of the weather, not to mention my beloved eagles are in the shit can. My usual partner in crime, Hartman; THE strider119 and I flew outta the 215 thursday after work. I had bought this sweet MP3 player for the trip and Hartman had his Gameboy with the updated Final Fantasy I&II. We were golden. I also used some tech I learned from Tennet, I packed a huge ass philly style sandwhich in my bag and ate that bear in front of SO many jealous people, I hate them all.

The whole flight I went back and forth between CS and Golden Showers, in the end, I chose poorly.

Once we arrived in the 213 I stepped outside, gave this donation collector 2 bucks and he had a flame for my smoke; thatís karma homes. We got 3 rooms because Ryan French had the solid hookup, we got a very decent deal. All together there were 10 of us between myself, Hartman, Ryan French, Ryan Fee, Mike French, Kyle Krueger, Clint Hays, Steve Baroni, Justin Desai and Mike Gemme BITCHES. We didnít get in till about 11 oíclock and everyone was there, Fee smelled like an asshole as always and everyone else was just playing cards. We got settled in and once Hartman and I got back to the room we noticed Clint wasnít around. No one had heard from him since he left Tennesee. Obviouslly we were fairly worried but we figured that he probally had no juice for his phone or something and ran into someone he knew and got a spot. We tried contacting some of Clintís friends and some other people that were in town he could have run into. We couldnít locate him, but since we all knew how inventive and intelligent Clint is, we figured he was fine because we didnít hear about a plane crash.

CS was my choice all the way, I only questioned it once when we were testing. It seemed like the Frenchís and myself were the only ones running CS, everyone else was on Avengers or SS. I asked Mike, "You really sure these guys are good enough?", French replied the most confident
nod and just said "DEFINITLY". I was ok with that, how could we both be making a bad choice. Gemme, Desai, Hartman and Fee were all running Avengers with the hot Amenothep; GREAT call by Eric IM A FRIGGEN GIANT Hunter. Baroni was going with SS, I dunno what KK went with.
First thing I did was play some games with CS against Justin using the Avengers, they still needed to decide on 1 to 2 spots. After some quick games Gemme and I went to the best Dennys on earth. We wanted to figure out how to finish that avengers deck. They had a spot to add a drop
and Gemme suggested 1 Falcon so they could go with 9 2ís, which seemed very important. In testing the 1 Falcon was never bad so it was the move and it actually turned out to be big in a couple of games for the guys. Also, Flying Kick was a great call too, seems like System Failure would have been better call...DOH. I would list my stupid build but it doesnít matter.

Tourney morning, I was ready, confident. I was going to hit Nimrod all day and never lose a game when I was still holding a NTZ. Once we arrived at the event, the Clint situation had not improved. No sightings, no sign in and definitly no balding, bullet wound victims around. At that point, everyone began to worry and we put the wheels into motion to figure out what was going on...more on this
later. Player meetings, this was by far the best player meeting I ever sat at. Of course I got to see my buddy who I see at every PC, Hans Hockey Hoh. I hate on Hoh, much hate. We played in Indy, constructed portion. During our game this guy first asked Baroni to leave, he was standing beyond the curtain. Baroni didnít leave, he hadnít said a word. Later in the match, this guy picked up a Dr. Polaris and said "That card sucks". Meanwhile hockey hoh had Oa and Chíp in play... ok guy, youíre right MY card sucks... douchebag. Apart from seeing that delightfull soul, a new face was at my table. Eric Honeycutt has got to be one of the funniest people I have ever seen playing cards. Once everyone was at our table
Eric says, "Man, I donít know about you guys, but Iíd LOVE to bang Jessica Simpson". Myself and the guy across from me agreed, but the guy to my left felt she wasnít that hot and it wouldnít be worth it. "OH man your gay!" Then Eric leaned back and followed loudly with "Did you hear that? This guy LOVES cock! I should have known with those faggy sunglasses on your head." Iím fairly sure 99% of
the people reading this would have leaned over and grabbed Honeycuttís throat and choked the ever loving shit outta him. This guy just laughed it off and Honeycutt continued to crack me up, heís one hell of a hater, mad respect.

My first match of the tourney was one of them feature bears. I was excited to play Hunstad because he seems to be one of, if not the best player, from an entire reigon. I also knew Scott was a sportsman and played well, which is nice because there are only 2 kinds of non-US players; There are people like Scott and than there are the annoying, slow, shady, unsportsman type, which unfortunatly play well. Our game played how it should, the first one to make a major mistake or miss a major drop would lose. No mistakes going into turn 6 and I missed Bastion. I felt as good as you can about a loss, it was two top players that made all the right decisions and it came down to some luck. Good call on the Flying Kick in the build Hunstad. One thing that annoyed me about the metagame coverage was De Rossa. It seemed like this guy painted me as a poor player. I read cards, all of them, itís just something Iíve always done. I ask about moves I think wonít work but realize a judge could rule in my favor, that is something every good player does. I saw Neil Reeves do it in a feature match during draft when he
asked if he could use Yellowjacketís boost when she came out via Hard Sound Construct...cmon brotha. To wrap up game 1, I learned that De Rossa needs to buy a stairmaster with his new UDE paycheck and learn that if you are going to write about someone, make sure you are objective. I also learned that Scott Hunstad is an excellent rep for a whole reigon of VS players, I loved when all his teammates
cheered his win, we would have done the same thing.

I had no time to grab a smoke between rounds 1 and 2 as we went to time. I was quickly paired with a young guy who packed a card I really have only seen as a last pass in draft. This kid ran TNB with 4x Trapped In Scincells or whatever the hell it is. MOFO hit 2 on 3 and I took a bunch of damage. He played horribly and missed a drop so the game was most definitly mine. I decided early that my only way to have fun was to make that goofy ass card pointless cuz it brought the hate out of my soul. I would power up for fun on turn 4 just to pop a Recon and flip my Genosha cuz the artwork is pretty cool. After that game, I fell to 2-4 going into round 7 where I really earned my last win. I used both my power of flight, and my power to kill a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets, to force a forfeit. Actually, Martin Lieser beat me pretty bad and offered to give me the win. He figured I had a better shot of finishing 3-0 than he did, unfortunatly his thinking was flawed. I proceeded to lose my next match on
turn 4 to some guy with barley any teeth at all. Baroni also dropped after round 8 and Hartman soon after. We planned on just hanging out at the tourney than grabbing food and booze. Before we left, Clint had finally been found and everything resolved.

The Clint situation is something that will be funny to everyone and unforgettable to a few. You see, Clint has managed to pull off the hat trick of stories. The other 2 from previously this year remain in-house for the most part, but pretty much donít compare to this situation. From the information we gathered from our network of sources, we got these basics down. Clint had driven from Atlanta to his motherís house in Tennesse. He was flying from there to KC and onto LA. He was supposed to meet the guys early thursday, but that didnít happen. Clint is uneasy about flying, drinks to help that out and kinda got into a jam in KC. We heard that Clint had gotten shitface-drunk, out of control and was detained in KC lock up.
Since Clint described it better than I really can here was his explanation of what exactly happend...

...so of course you know that im really uncomfortable flying anymore...and im jittery the whole time and cant relax and its really a drain. so i decided to have a little bit to drink before/during my flight so help myself out. well a little bit turned into a little bit too much. i had to switch planes in kansas city. when we got there i was too drunk to figure out which gate i was supposed to go to. after much meandering i finally found it.

"youíre too drunk to get on the plane, youíll have to wait for a later flight"..."no way im not getting on this flight" i told the nice young woman who was trying to help me. after arguing with her for a few minutes i found myself talking to about 3 or 4 police officers. it didnt take them long to slap some cuffs on me and throw me in the back of their car...



...he went on to talk about his time in jail and the resolution of the situation but who cares?

That settled that situation, and since we were sure Desai and Gemme were in day 2 it was time to booze it up. Walking back to the hotel Baroni offered some of his inner thoughts, "Man, Iíd love to get some older broad with kids and big ass titties. Iíd love that shit, just do dirty ass shit to her. Iím not really into the big titties, but if sheís older, Iíd love them," we agreed that it was an awesome goal in life. 2 fifths of vodka and some sprite, plus a flask of captainís for Hartman and we were set. After a couple hours of drinking the guys werenít back yet, and Baroni and I decided it was time to get gangsta. We found at PCIndy that nothing is more gangsta than sitting in a hot tub and sippin vodka...well maybe if we found trees a blunt added in would have been most gangsta. We were chillin n the hottub for about 20 minutes when we spotted some broads hanging out of their room across the parking lot. "CuuuuCOOO CuuuuCOOO!", my hoe call was flowiní and Baroni kicked in his shit with the good ole "SKEEEooooOO!". The calls were working but the guys were back, we were drunk and we wanted the results.

Desai and Gemme had made the cut with great records and were put in a position for decent cash. I couldnít have been happier for them, especially these two guys who have been playing at as a high a level as anyone else without much PC success to show. Approx 6 times I left Gemmeís room only to return and ask the same question again and again, "I donít know who did it but I heard someone defeated 2 PC champions. Wait, IT WAS YOU GEMME! OHHHHHH!" cause Gemme teabagged Jonesy and Horvath on day one.

Soon after everyone got back, Hartman, Baroni and I thought it would be smart to get some sealed JLA in for
the 10K. Problem... we had no packs. Baroni pointedout that he saw a bunch of packs in Feeís bag... problem
solved. We headed to Baronis room and ripped open 15 of Feeís packs, only to decide we were way to drunk to look at cards, let alone build. We made sort of a íwrapper tentí over the stack of cards we opened so as to distract Fee from realizing theyíd been opened, I bet that stinky bitch bought it. The crew gathered back for an avengers draft, did that and bought another couple of bottles.

Everyone was feeling great and it was most definitly time to get back to the hottub. Hartman, Baroni and myself were very toasted and it was perfect because the hoe calls worked and we had 2 aussie bitches chilling with us. They were both most definitly not hot, but they werenít gypsy ass gypsy either. Since I donít remember names, I will call them brown and blonde. The best part of them coming over, I thought, was that brown was 30 (thats FUCKING old in case anyone isnít aware) and was all about Baroni. On top of the age, she had big tits, a kid, was drunk as hell and down for anything. Hall Of Fame wingman Gemme set
up the pins for Baroni and this guy just unlaced the shoes and left the lane. I kept telling Baroni this was God giving him a gift, and to not fuck with God or his plane would definitly crash. Once brown left I went into the 2 minute offense and got on Baroni at which point he replied with, "I canít fuck that bitch. Sheíd be the ugliest bitch I ever fucked in my whole life!" Well, it seemed after that, even if Baroni did want to do anything he couldnt, since he didnít notice browns sister in law still sitting there. It had to be one of the funniest things Iíve ever seen, blonde sort of turned a bit, and acted as if she didnít hear it. Of course we all just lost it, especially Hartman. I donít think these broads even cared, they were drunk on what they found to be the best whisky in America, WILD fucking TURKEY! (editors note: Wild Turkey is legit)
u kiddin me??

Anyway, the best thing that happend out of the whole incedent was someone got another fifth of vodka. sweet. We all chilled and had some drinks, Baroni passed out, the guys playing day 2 pretty much bailed. Hartman and I went back to our room, along with Gemme, the hoes and a couple others. I could tell Gemme knew I was going to take a page out of Baroniís book and apply the íno shame in brainí rule. 13 time all star Mike Gemme just started showing off his skillum, and disregarded how annyoing these broads were. He was most impressive because I couldnít stand these broads but was drunk enough to want some headwork. I basically just went back to my room and kept drinking and the hoes followed. Hartman kept the blond busy while the other one got all over me. She was way to drunk to get fucking kissy with and way to loud and stupid to speak too, so I just decided to start biting her, what the fuck, why not? Right? Right. So she was foreign sloppy tits and I was drunk guy, so I grabbed her by the handlebar pig tails she was rocking and threw her in the corner. It gets even too graphic for me to put on this site, but rest is pretty damn good. This whole scene ended with a passed out TJ on the bed and a drunk, angry Hartman yelling at the broads to get the fuck out. "All non Americans must leave! Bitches here just to get face fucked must leave!", he was pretty drunk and tired. Silly Baroni, no shame in brain and she was freak jawn, even
with that BUSTED tooth HAHA.

I woke up at the crack ass of mneah, i dunno. Hungover like none other, ready to win that 10K. I skipped
breakfast but slammed down a big choclate milk- hangover tech. I was SO not ready to play that sealed event. I barely looked at the cards and didnt sober up until my second game which went 20 minutes beyond time. That event actually reflected the constructed in alot of ways, I even won my last match before dropping but gave the win to my opponent, thats more karma homes. I actually was sort of excited at the chance of watching the second day of the PC, it was afterall the first one I failed to make. To make things even more fun I got to chill with old friend and fellow hater Billy Zonos. I spent the rest of the event cheering on my boys, spittin hate and spittin hate.

In the first round that I was a member of the crowd, I noticed the most disturbing thing at the tourney. I was
minding my own business when I noticed Dave Spears and his bulbous dome glistening whilst he held his wife close to his bosom. If it werenít for the the light reflecting off of the railing, bouncing from the cage into his dome, then into my field of vision; I never would have spotted the guy taking a lead off of second base. It was at this point I noticed that Daveís lovely wife was a beautiful, OBVIOUSLY kind, intelligent, afghan wearing, glitter-faced gypsy look-alike. I donít know her personally, and have never spoken a word to Mrs. Spears; however, I must say that she looked alot like a gypsy to me. Afghan across the shoulders, glitter on the face, the hair, everything screamed gypsy ass gypsy. It was about that time that I first caught a glimpse of the couple necking on the steps and thatís basically what was started going through my mind. Then my thought process went insane. In one fell swoop "She could really be a gypsy. Perhaps that was how Spears got some excellent finishes...Spears is the new Gayb Alonso of card games. He sucks, gets on the good side of top players, succeeds with them, then alienates them...Those two have got to stop groping each other or Iím going to have to kick until I see white meat...That guy has got a very odd shaped headpiece. I think I would really like to just be allowed to kick it once, just once...The railing of the cage gets more action than Ryan Fee...Gypsy Ass Gypsy." After all those thoughts I began to just yell, "GYPSY ASS GYPSY!" for about 11 minutes, and only paused to take a breathe, and even that wasnít a priority. I felt sick on so many levels. I read Daveís stuff online, he is most definitly a talented writer and one hell of a self promoter. I respect Dave a tiny bit, I think, maybe. I donít care for his shameless self promotion and I FUCKING hate anyone that makes it a goal to become a personality of card game. Just be yourself bro,
if the community likes you enough, then the community will embrace you, THEN you will find that tiny bit of little insignificant worth that means nothing to anyone.

All those thoughts made me hungry. Billy and I headed to the food shack thing.

While walking to the food thing, Billy and I talked about all the players we just hate on. Bulk Lao, Josh Witanen,
Roy St. Clair, Hans Hockey Hoh, etc. Just hate on all those mofos and more. Our food was hot, we were hungry and I acquired a free giant coke, good times. We walked back to the event area, passing that guy who went undefeated day 1, he still hadnít won a draft game, he sucks. Billy showed me the hot tech of covering a hot dog with ketchup, mustard than cheese whiz, money as hell. After the meal we wandered over to the PC rankings and saw something funny. Leading to Roy St. Claire was an arrow which pointed the word ícheaterí at him, hate. Desai was definitly going to get it done and I was very confident in Gemme. I also noticed that estranged PTD member Jon Brown was kicking friggen ass. After the leader board, the
PTD crew + Dalton The Homey hung out in the plastic yet crazy comfy chair section. "So at the end of turn 5 I was at 12 life, than at the end of the game, I was at 12 FUCKING life.", SWCCG players got swager donít they Dalton? Next round.

Billy and I were bored, we had nothing to do really. I kind of wandered around and just checked things out. Someone had added the word ígayí to the ranking sheet next to St. Claire, that was funny. I saw Josh "Harvey Firestein" Witanen wearing a shirt that said írecruiterí in rainbow letters. I hate Firestein, my hate wasnít as strong until I saw that retard run to a match like a faggot. I remember when I first met Josh out in the last LA. He was dirty, hairy and wearing raggy closthes. At 10K Jersey the guy had an afro to rival an amazon warrioress mighty bush and had on a vikings jersey. Then the guy fell into some money, cut his hair and wandered into an ExpressMen, awesome how some cash can help someone out. Even just the sight of Firestein makes my hate flow. Then he opens that mouth of his and all I can hear is that raspy gay voice "OOOOHHhhhhh aaaaa MR. BERG", something like that. While I was outside smoking, a couple of germans asked me if I knew Hans Hockey Hoh. I told them that I did and they asked me to send him out there next time I see him. I told them to fucking do it themselves, fuck german people. Same goes for lil asian kids that get in front of me while Iím watching a cage match, fuck them.

Last round was about to begin, Desai was going to be playing Kim Caton. Iíve known Kim for about 9 years now and she is most definitly one of my favorite people around cards. As much as I like Kim, she was going to have the feel the wrath of the 23. See, Desai has never lost a match while rocking the Chicago Bulls Jordan jersey. I told him this was a job for 23, but to not rip down to the jersey untill after opening draw. Lucky for Baroni and I, their game was close to the railing and since Kim is so dope she agreed to play sort of caddy corner so we could watch. They drew their cards, Desai went to the 23 and gave us a wink. He hit stupid good cards and dispatched Kim by turn 5, PTD has retarded good record against FTN. We all gathered around the judges area to see how everyone did, I saw that fuckass that followed his 10-0 performance with a 0-9 draft. He walked by the trash can and threw his cards out, he probally figured that the trash can had a better idea of what to do with them. Iíd have to agree. Seriously, how does a person 0-9 a draft? How do you not win 1 fucking game, imagine, knowingthat you can go 4-5 in draft and you basically have this PC wrapped up. What a fucking toolbox, rube nilk nod, fucking jackass. Anyway, everyone finished good cash, French was looking good in the 10K so we hit up the In ín Out Burger.

During the ride to the burger joint Zonos unleashed the most tech hate ever. He told us a great line from
Vidi which went something like this, "I wish I had the power to kill everyone with my mind. Except you
Billy...you I let live...to torture". Thatís some solid hate. We began thinking of the possiblity of TRW+PTD
to form the most hatefull team ever created. Back at the hotel the hate swirled. We began to list all the personalities we hate and here are a few of the things I remember being said-

"I hate Dave Leader, I donít know why, but there is something about that asshole."

"If Bulk Lao ever wins a PC it would be the worst thing to happen to VS."

"Rian Fike looks like one of the guys from the Bumfights DVD. I hate him."

"That gypsy ass gypsy probally uses Spears pock-marked dome as a makeshift crystal ball."

"Anand Khare has the gayest name ever, apart from Josh Witanen."

"Did any of you guys see that fucking shirt Witanen had on? And homosexuals wonder why they arenít more socially accepted. No one fucking cares about your orientation, no one wants to know and itís nothing to be proud of."

"How fucking stupid looking is that guy with the mullett? He needs to cut that shit off and lose the man tits."

"Hans Hockey Hoh must think he lives in Middle Earth or something. Get a haircut, some tennis shoes and a less assy persona."

"Those Japanese guys are going to be amazing soon, we better start hating them fast."

"Matthew Tatar looks like a woman, seriously, ALOT like a fucking woman."

"I heard that Michael Jacob has a cock shaped top of his head, thatís why he wears that stupid knit cap."

"I hope De Rossa chokes on whatever greasy, fatty, cheesy food he is inhaling right now."

"Iím so happy for Dave Spears that it only took him 30+ years to discover that regular sex is really good."

We continued the hate until we decided we basically need a top 10 list of most hated personalities, which will be released soon. Billy bounced after all the hate and Hartman and I moved our flight up early and bounced out at about 6 in the morning. I got home and got my sleep on. The whole weekend was awesome, worst performance Iíve had a tourney but probally the most fun. The Undergound Network of Haters was born, my guys on the threshold of cash finished the job and PTD reinforced the fact that you go to a tournement for fun first and foremost. Seriously, tell me another team that would have a member get locked up over intoxication, face fuck foreign hoes, establish a thick level of hate, sip vodka in the hottub and be ready to knuckle up with any card player. Fucking tell me.

Thatís all I have to say about that.



TJ Holman

TJ Holman aka the Techmaster is one of the most famous and popular DeckTechers for years running. His penchant for crazy ideas that work earned him not only his nickname, but also many years of top 10 Star Wars CCG rankings.

Currently ranked Number 2 in the world in Upper Deck's Versus, Tj is still a member of Ghetto Squad, and brings some of the most thorough editorials ever to DeckTech, along with a good dose of off color humor.


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Hate Hate Hate(TechMaster Editorial)
From: neal
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  Name Comment
 ANIMALVADER1Wow, almost 2 years now...
Dredloxôyeah, and if you post from there you get no signature.

11:23 10-11-2006

Joe: I show up and all the girls leave. Im like the opposite of a chick magnet, whatever that is.
Neal: Repellant. Youre a chick repellant.
Joe: Yeah, a repellant, thats it. Gee, thanks so much
-Neal's Birthday
 Ken BI noticed that awhile back--if you post a comment from within the editorial, you get the "old" Premium member post (non blue, with the tm symbol and the black premium sign in the left column).

11:10 10-11-2006
 sithborg279All better now. The world of Decktech is back in harmony.

11:09 10-11-2006
Dredloxôhuh, yeah, that is weird! This is slightly older code that was copied off the main buzzboard page and put on Tj's page and thus Ben's.

No blueness... weird

11:04 10-11-2006

Joe: I show up and all the girls leave. Im like the opposite of a chick magnet, whatever that is.
Neal: Repellant. Youre a chick repellant.
Joe: Yeah, a repellant, thats it. Gee, thanks so much
-Neal's Birthday
 sithborg279Neal loses his blueness? WTF?

10:53 10-11-2006
 sithborg279Cool.

10:53 10-11-2006
DredloxôOK, Ben, looks like I am getting your editorial into shape. Got your picture, have updated some of the code, got this in the right area, and will have the master editors list posted on the left shortly.

Great stuff!!
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